I need to breath.
Just give me a moment so that I can breath.
Life has been really depressing lately.
Aku pun tak tahu samada aku masih cukup kuat atau tidak.
Dengan kerja yang makin teruk dan menimbun (since our vendors will end their contract this week)..
Dah kena buat kerja untuk dua team gara-gara tak cukup orang yang ada skill set untuk CT. Bos sampai empat orang kena report. Dua daripadanya memang sampah. Sukati main borrow-borrow aku. Ingat aku pensel?
Nak balik kampung pun tak senang. Ada je orang call pasal kerja. Sampai operator kat Singapore dah lalok termakan ubat gegat agaknya.
I heard someone else's voice in the phone, "Hey, don't call Ayu."
"Err.. I'm not supposed to call you..." he said, I could feel he was blushing as I could hear some other people were laughing in the phone.
"It's ok. No problem," I dropped the call.
Dengan kesihatan yang dah tak menentu.. Mana nak buat blood test.. Mana nak follow up kat spital.. Silap-silap blood test result tak bagus, kena buat biopsy pulak..
Kete pulak dah kemik.. Mamat chilake keluar parking tak tengok belakang, main keluar je. Bodoh. Lelaki sampah. Kalau aku tak pecut, memang terbaik bontot keta dia cium kete aku. Konon men drivers are fucking better than women drivers. Taik! Go fuck yourself.
Ada terfikir cuba nak lari dari masalah. Tapi tak reti. I'm not a quitter. But everyone has its own limit. I don't know.. I've to start seeking opportunities out there. Hoping something good will come.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Creeping in the doubt.
I need to breath.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
One bloody night.
It was 10 minutes to midnight. My belly didn't feel right. I tried to sleep but failed. I rubbed on some Vicks and chewed a couple of Actal. Then I forced myself to sleep. It was successful. But not for long.
All of a sudden I woke up from sleep as my stomach felt worse. I couldn't lie down straight so I sat on my bed thinking what I was supposed to do. I took another couple of Actal and I felt like vomiting.
“Oh no, not again…”
I heaved a deep sigh. It was painful. It hurt like hell. I couldn't lie down, I couldn't sit properly and I was too weak to stand on my feet.
I heard someone was in the toilet. I felt relieved. Could be my housemate, taking Wudhu' for Subuh. I was thinking I could go to the clinic at 9am. So I had like three hours to wait for the clinic to open (eventhough 3 minutes was just too painful to bear with). Just to ensure, I grabbed my phone near me to check what time it was.
I believed I was having hallucination. So I closed my eyes for a few seconds and glanced through my phone screen one more time.
It was terribly excruciating. I tried to fall asleep yet I couldn't stop moaning. And burping.
I was having gastric, bloated stomach and period pain at the same time.
I wished Kak Raina was here so that I could drag her to accompany me to the clinic. My other housemates had already reached the dreamland. Thinking they have midterm in the morning, I didn't have the heart to wake them up.
After struggling for half an hour, I jumped off from the bed and changed my clothes. I couldn't wait for more. I almost cried because of the pain.
Around 1.45am, I drove to a clinic. Alone. In my car, I continued to moan and groan. When I was on my way to Dengkil, I wanted to vomit and I needed to go to the toilet really really bad. Without making a wise decision, I stopped at my office and rushed to the toilet. I was alone and the building looked kinda creepy, yet I didn't have any choice.
I couldn't stop thinking about horror movies..
You know, when you're alone in the toilet. After you're done doing so-called ‘business', you need to wash your hands and you've no choice but to stare at the huge long mirror. Ya, I did see someone in the mirror. It was my own pale face.
Then I continued my way to Dengkil. Godd, it was so dark when I passed by the Chinese cemetery. I am not gifted. I don't have the ability to see dead people crossing the road.
I wanted to go to my favourite clinic but it was closed. Previously it was a 24 hours clinic. I guess the doctor earned more than enough already. Since I couldn't think straight as I was busy dealing with the pain, I drove straight away to another clinic which on my last visit, the doctor gave me Ponstan although he was told I'm allergic to it. Bloody hell. He managed to turn me into an alien. So I kind of made a vow I wouldn't even come to his clinic again.
So I broke the vow. Health comes first in this sense, right?
“I think my stomach is bloated. I couldn't sleep,” I told the doctor.
“Do you have gastric?”
“What did you eat today?”
“Variety of food?”
I shook my head. “I didn't really eat today..” (I only took my breakfast.)
“Okay. No more diet. Later on you go back and take a cup of Horlicks. You can buy at Mamak nearby.”
“K. I'm allergic to Ponstan,” I reminded the doctor so that I wouldn't have to turn into an alien with a bloated stomach. God, that sounds incredibly ugly.
“Ya, ya. Do you need an injection?”
“No. Can give me MC for today?”
The doctor gave me 7 tablets on the spot. Two of them I had to chew. The rest I swallowed at one go.
On my way back home, I motivated myself since I already felt drowsy and I was alone. I need to stay put so I talked crap to myself...
“I love cars..”
“I love motorcycles..”
“I love machines..”
“I love lights..”
“I love living things..”
“I love tyres..”
Then a lorry was following really close behind me. So I continued my motivation..
“I hate lorries..”
“I hate my stomach..”
Mix.fm was kind enough to entertain me, so I sang along Wannabe (Spice Girls). Such a surprise I can still remember the lyrics.
It's 4.31am now and yeah, my stomach is still bloated. Lesson for everyone, if you don't want to feed your stomach, throw it away.
So basically what I am trying to tell you is that, I'm on MC today. Yeay!
p/s: I didn't drink Horlicks as being asked by the doctor.
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Three to Seven.
I know him since I was born. We fought a lot yet we still played together. We shared toys and food and bed and even bathtub. We cried together because we made each other cried. We laughed together because we made other kids cried. He's older but I was always braver. He was afraid of dark, I wasn't. I yelled a lot, he didn't. I bullied him sometimes, he bullied animals all the time.
As we grew up, we fought less. I turned out to be so talkative and loud, yet he changed the other way around. He was a quiet person; he wasn't that friendly, in fact he was a shy boy during our teenagers' time. We were different, completely. I started to feel there was a huge invisible gap between us but none of us really bothered. We seldom met each other and we felt nothing was wrong with that.
Now we are young adults. We have matured feelings. We gained more and more beautiful memories. We appreciate each other. We became aware and concerned on what's happening to each of us. We knew we've been wasting so much time ignoring each other. We value each other's gifts and compliments. And the last time we met, he told me how much he missed me.
I missed him too. I tried to tell him that, yet I was choke by my own words. They failed to slip off from my lips, so I just threw him a broad smile.
If I am to say what I have to tell him, I would tell him he's part of me since the day he was born, not the day I was. I would tell him how much I loved him during the days we squabbled a lot; it was how I expressed it even though I knew he hated it so much he couldn't find any words he could throw back at me. I felt like winning, but there was a chill inside my stomach. An emotion of guilty I tried to take no notice of. He ought to know that. To know how much I didn't enjoy it at all.
I love him. As much as I love my ibu and abah and Iena. I hated it when I was told he's not as healthy as I am. I wanted him to know he should take care of that, do whatever he could to make sure he doesn't have to bring us news we never wanted to hear. I can take care of myself, so he better does the same thing.
And then I met a friend while I was running up the stairs, sweating. She was standing in front of her door, asking what happened. I was breathing fast when I told her I didn't have my room key and I need to get in. And that was it. A few days later, God knows what had been decided, and she became my roommate.
She was not that quiet eventhough she looked like one. When I first knew her, I couldn't help smiling when she started talking. It was the dialect she used. Dialect me myself should've used. But as time went by, she didn't have it anymore. I missed it... kind of.
I love her. She is the kind of friend who will be there whenever you need her. She is the type of companion who refuses to say no. You'll love her if you are close to her and you know she loves you too. She forgives and she forgets; at least that's what I believe. She listens to all kinds of crap I talk and she laughs over the jokes I make. Eventhough it sounds silly, or I look stupid. She does not care. I don't care too... because I am good at looking stupid. She knows that too.
She introduced her friend to me and we three became good friends. So good, we fought a few times. Yes, only good friends fight because we want the best from each of them. That's what happened. We love our memories, we love our laughter and yeah, we don't take bad memories as we moved on.
As time passed by, I met another friend. We shared the same nickname. I have no problem with that. It wasn't my first time my nickname got ‘stolen'. My first impression on her was she looked damn friendly. I wish I could be like her. Easy to be approached by other people, know when to crack jokes at the right time. Those kinds of things I wish I had too.
I miss her so much. So much until when I remember her, my smile will straightly fade away. It hurts, I do not know why. One thing for certain, I wish I could tell I am truly sorry for failing to be a good friend. For failing to show my support when she needed one. And whenever I remember those sad moments of hers, my chest hurts, I feel sorry for myself. If there's any kind of punishment I should receive, I would say nothing but yes.
Last few weeks, she came to my home. Her visit is like once in a lifetime and as a so-called-friend, I was not around. She left me a small note on my bedroom's door saying she misses me. I took it and pasted it on the wall next to my mirror. So I could read it every morning before I go out to work. It is somehow a beautiful torture I endure so much.
And how on earth these three people connect in one story when they barely know each other?
It's their special date they share. 7th April.
So to my brother, Along, my best buddy, Sha and my friend I love so much, Shamam,
I love you so much!!
p/s: I’ve to backdate this entry to 7th April since I’ve written it on their special day yet I didn’t have time to publish it.
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
Queens of Gaga.
Adapun pada suatu hari, bagi menjimatkan bil telefon bimbit, aku menghubungi Kak Raina, teman serumahku menerusi mel elektronik syarikat. Ketika itu aku baru sahaja selesai membaca laman sesawang Berita Harian. Secara spontan, aku meletakkan tajuk berita terakhir yang aku baca di subjek e-mel tersebut.
Subjek : "On News Today : Monica Belluci miliki bibir terbaik"
**note: email content below has nothing to do with the subject above.
semalam tak sempat nak bagitau akak, for postcrossing* saye dapat address ke US and Finland. hehehehh...
tp tatau nk tulis ape dalam poskad.. kene ade ayat default cam akak jugak laa haha.
Tak lama lepas tu, Kak Raina membalas..
Subjek : On News Today : Norlia Gh*ni menikah dengan Sultan Brunei.
ohh tahniah. 2 je ke?apsal tak mintak sekali banyak?
kalau beli setem jgn lupe beli utk i k
bukan norlia ghani
Aku naik heran, terpinga-pinga. Ni dari paper mana pulak ni.. A few seconds later then only I came to my senses.
Aku pun balas dengan subjek "On News Today : Dugong Menyerupai Pi*n Cecupak Terdampar di Rantau Abang."
Dan akhirnya e-mel kami berlanjutan dengan topik-topik hangat yang tak boleh didapati di mana-mana akhbar.
On News Today : Saya Tidak Gila! : Dakwa Yus*f Haslam Di Atas Cubaan Menyelak Kain Dalam Auntie Senah, Penjual Nasi Lemak Kegemarannya.
On News Today : Sudah Jatuh Ditimpa Tangga - Angkara Penyamun, Rosnah M*t Aris Hilang RM3.55 Serta Kucingnya Mati DiKelar Teruk.
On News Today : Saya Masih Waras : Acc*pan Nafi Tuduhan Tabiat Buruknya Suka Mengumpul Bulu Ketiak Yang Dicabut Isteri.
On News Today : Jal*ludin Hassan Menggunakan Baja Burung Unta Bagi Merawat Buasirnya.
On News Today : Abu Bak*r Elah Mengaku Menggunakan Botox Bagi Mencantikkan Punggung.
On News Today: Gara-gara Kecewa Dengan Industri Rock Tanahair, Aw*e Wings Tekad Tubuhkan Kumpulan Marhaban
On News Today : Dato' Az*z Sattar Direman 3 Hari Insiden Gaduh dengan Jirannya Rebutkan telur Katak Pisang
On News Today : Dato' M. Da*d Kilau Cedera Di Ibu Jari Kiri Akibat Dikejar Sekumpulan Mak Nyah Skin Head
On News Today : Shams*l Ghau Ghau Pengsan Disengat Lipan Ketika Kencing Di Dalam Semak
On News Today : Tidak Mahu Dituduh Seorang Gay: Y*sry KRU Berhijrah Ke Selatan Thai Untuk Mempelajari Tomoi
On News Today : Kepala Anak Disangka Kepala Paip: Jasm*n Hamid Dipenjara 10 Tahun Akibat tersalah Pulas
On News Today : May* Karin Dan Suaminya Terpaksa Meniaga Jagung Rebus Di Pasar Malam Parit Petai Manis Untuk Menanggung Kos Sara Hidup Keluarga
On News Today : Dato' Siti Nurhali*a Sebenarnya Seorang Lelaki!
p/s: Ini sekadar hiburan. Jangan ambil hati bagi mereka yang terkena. Muehehehe.
*Postcrossing is a postcards exchange project that invites everyone to send and receive postcards from random places in the world. Visit Post Crossing.