And the sun shall rise again..

I was busy doing my work in front of my office PC when suddenly my phone vibrated. My fingers froze for a moment and I glanced towards my mobile screen. It was a friend of mine calling.

I quickly picked it up and answered the call. It was an unexpected call from my bestfriend.

After a few 'how are you doing' questions, she suddenly asked me with a serious tone in her voice.

“Are you in love?”

I was choked. “Sorry?”

“No, tell me. Are you in love?”

“No, I guess not,” I answered hesitantly because it was totally out of the blue.

“But your YM status! It brought meaning like you’re in that kind of state, y’know.”

I chuckled. “Don’t get me wrong. My YM status doesn’t always mean something to me personally. It’s really up to the people to judge.”

And, to my astonishment, she burst out. “My God. What happened to you?!!”

I was utterly confused by her reaction. “What? What happened to me?”

I heard a sigh from her. I sensed a feeling of disappointment. I was thinking hard, my eyes went unfocused. What did I do wrong? What’s with the YM status?

“How long d’you want to be like this, Ayu? Till when are you gonna open up your heart and accept someone?”

Duh~ Come on, is this for real? I mean, is it the right time? I mumbled in my heart. I was so not ready for this kind of issue. I did not answer straight away. In fact, I didn’t have any answer. I stared around my workplace, I felt totally lost. I should be doing my work right now, that was the only thing seemed logical to me.

“I don’t know,” I replied weakly.

“Of all the people I know, your heart has the least feelings. Icy cold, you know that? Come on, Ayu. This time for real. How long are you gonna be like this? It’s about time for you to change and get serious.”

I went blank again. I had no guts to reply her words. Finally, I said something. Just because I knew she wanted me to say something.

“I’ll… think about it.”

“For God’s sake, don’t you have someone you like right now?”

This time I was thinking pretty seriously. Maybe there’s someone… maybe I didn’t notice.. Maybe.. Could be..

“Err.. no.”

Not only her, I felt disappointed with myself. I was not lying. Why should I lie?

“I can’t believe this..” she sighed.

“Trust me, I’m not in love with anyone.”

“And that is the problem..”

Why is she worried that much? It’s not like my life is over.. Love is not something you can bump into and say “Hey, want a ride?”

The next day, I had this great activity playing fire crackers with my Silat buddies when she called again. She recently told me that I barely had time spent for her so I decided to miss the fun and spent my time with her via the phone.

She called me usually when she had stories to share. So again, I was not prepared for her lecture on the same issue.

This time I had to shut up and listen. I was glad though, cause I really had nothing to say. But I can’t deny the fact that she made me realized on one thing, I had no life.

I changed or at least my life has changed. It’s true though, I’m working now. Okay eventhough my second job is far much better than the first, but it changed me.

“You’ve no life, you’re not a person who I knew for years anymore. You’re so workaholic.. and and.. Deco-holic..” she tortured me with her words, and she ended up saying the most bitter confession I could ever hear from a bestfriend, “You’re heartless.”

My lips were sealed, my throat went dry. I gulped silently while staring blankly at my friends who were cheerfully playing with the firecrackers. The loud cracks burst up above the dark sky failed to distract my empty feeling even a bit.

“You’re right,” I pled guilty.

She was, because I nearly cancelled my plan to join them playing those firecrackers as I thought I preferred to spend my night alone at home. But someone blurted out, “Come on, Ayu. You’ve no life if you don’t join us.”

And so, I changed my mind and joined them. Who said I have no life? Okay fine, I know who.

During weekdays, I have to make sure I go to bed before 10.30pm. If later than that, I would feel I have wasted my precious time since I’ve to wake up early to go to work. As if, my office is 50 kilometres from my house (it’s actually 5-7 minutes journey). I barely had my dinner as I’m worried if I take dinner, I will have a hard time waking up in the morning when I’m full.

I don’t socialize anymore, I haven’t made new friends for quite a long time already. I rejected a few people who wanted to get to know me just because I feel getting-to-know-each-other session is tiring (I don’t sms a lot and I don’t like receiving unnecessary calls). I still spend my weekends with my friends but old ones. I still go out regularly but never during weekdays. It’s like, hell no.

But I do have my own excuses. I don’t socialize because my weekend activities are always full with my friends. I rejected those guys not because I’m snobbish but because I knew I would upset them when I hardly have time to reply their messages and they couldn’t understand. I go to bed early during weekdays because waking up early in the morning is a real challenge to me.

After my bestfriend ended up her lecture, I made her a promise that I would try to change myself. But still I argued at first by saying “I did try, you know. Ok maybe I didn’t try hard enough. Fine, I didn’t try at all.”

Maybe.. Mayyybe I can try to learn giving some space to myself or to other people..

Perhaps, next year.