Friday, June 19, 2009

Where does this pain come from?


I received another two pairs of swimsuits today. This time, they are from Indonesia.

I buy things online occasionally. The receptionist at my office does not bother anymore. I receive mails almost everyday and I guess she's already tired e-mailing me so she'd just inform me using instant messaging. Besides mails and parcels, I also receive postcards from various countries. I knew she read them. Saw it once. I don't mind though. This morning she asked whether I did online shopping and she'd love to know what the sites are.

Recently I decided to purchase two swimsuits from Indonesia which cost me around seventy plus only. Just imagine how much I saved rather than buying at Parkson or Jusco which cost me two hundreds over. The shipping cost is not that high and there's a few bank charges around RM11. In summary, I spent RM100 approximately for each swimsuit. I still saved RM200+ in total, see?

Alah membeli, menang memakai. (Tiba-tiba)

So yea, all of sudden I have 4 pairs of swimsuits. Duh.. I did not expect they would send me this soon. My colleagues who knew I ordered them were surprised. "Woi bukan baru aritu ke you order?"

Ok mari tukar topik.

Have you ever felt that at some point you noticed that you've changed?

I know people always say people change. But to realize that you've really changed? This is different.

We do mean there are memories we want to keep. I did mean it once. But somehow I'm not sure whether I still want to value what is past. Not everything precisely but to some extent, I realized I don't value some of my old memories anymore.

It does not mean I do not appreciate what I've been through. The past creates what you've become now.

But when my good old friend trying to pull the memories onto the surface, I said stop.

"I think you ought to know some things are no longer the same," I mumbled.

Surprised, she was. Of course. "What do you mean?"

"Don't bring back the memories."

It sounds like a warning. Like a sharp stab in the chest. But it's more like a request to my intention. I am not certain at first, whether I should really ask her to stop. For no particular reason. Am I being sensitive? I don't think so.

I knew she was slightly taken aback when I said that. I had no intention to hurt her. It was simply a request. So I explained. All the memories she wanted to raise about, the only part I want to keep is anything about her. Nothing else. She could not accept it. She was utterly confused.

"They are my past. I'm sorry but I don't feel like I want to know them anymore."

"Bad memories?" she questioned.

"No, they're not."

"You're being weird." I heard a sigh.

I apologized. Then I had to change the topic. It did not feel right anymore. To be talking about the "good ol' days". I really wished I could find the reason of this irrational emotion. The memories are still with me. But I'd rather push them deeper, like sinking them hundred feet underwater and when I want to find them, I couldn't because the sea is too wide and blue but still I know, they are somewhere down there being kept safely and peacefully, wishing that nothing would come to bother.

Oh God.



8 comments:

Anonymous said...

you are being weird


maybe with someone that I haven't see/heard from for a long looooong time, I wouldn't mind digging up the old stories and whatnot. But if it's with someone that around me, someone that I constantly in contact with... feels weird mentioning the past. Because then I'll inevitably remember all my wrongdoings to them (doesn't matter either it's intentionally/unintentionally)... then I'll feel guilty. Then I'll feel awkward. Then I'll keep away from them for a quite a period, until the awkwardness goes away/forgotten.

Now I'm the one who being weird :P

unless laa that memories was something cute/small... like that one time when I talked with my mouth full of water and you totally understood me. When the same things happen to me right now, I'll lol and get some weird look. Heh.

I like the sea metaphor btw.

Anonymous said...

btw bb, so glad we have the same wavelength :)) can't believe you totally thought the same thing about the snow globe thingee. Aper lagik, pasni bley start new collection :D



p/s : thanks for the great time watching movie DMtH together :D bess giler jerit sesamer :))

@yU said...

wow, you left a very deep meaning. but yea, u know what happened. glad that i spoke to you tonight.. before watching the horror movie!

haha.. you shouted once and it was really cute.

thanks for your time anyway. see you this Tuesday insyaAllah. i'm coming with my Bumblebee. better watch out. hehehe.

Anonymous said...

hek eleh

ko bawak laa satu Autobots pon gua tak heran wooo. Aku ader Decepticons :))

@yU said...

haha woi.. jahat ni jd geng decepticons plakk!

Anonymous said...

decepticons macho :))

btw bb, I almost forgot to tell you, I gave you an award

@yU said...

ouu yeah.. can you advise me what i'm supposed to do with the award? pass around ke camne? hee~ :D

Anonymous said...

uikh tamaknyer ndak simpan award sensorg

hahaha, naah kidding
raser patut pass around