Where does this pain come from?

I received another two pairs of swimsuits today. This time, they are from Indonesia.

I buy things online occasionally. The receptionist at my office does not bother anymore. I receive mails almost everyday and I guess she's already tired e-mailing me so she'd just inform me using instant messaging. Besides mails and parcels, I also receive postcards from various countries. I knew she read them. Saw it once. I don't mind though. This morning she asked whether I did online shopping and she'd love to know what the sites are.

Recently I decided to purchase two swimsuits from Indonesia which cost me around seventy plus only. Just imagine how much I saved rather than buying at Parkson or Jusco which cost me two hundreds over. The shipping cost is not that high and there's a few bank charges around RM11. In summary, I spent RM100 approximately for each swimsuit. I still saved RM200+ in total, see?

Alah membeli, menang memakai. (Tiba-tiba)

So yea, all of sudden I have 4 pairs of swimsuits. Duh.. I did not expect they would send me this soon. My colleagues who knew I ordered them were surprised. "Woi bukan baru aritu ke you order?"

Ok mari tukar topik.

Have you ever felt that at some point you noticed that you've changed?

I know people always say people change. But to realize that you've really changed? This is different.

We do mean there are memories we want to keep. I did mean it once. But somehow I'm not sure whether I still want to value what is past. Not everything precisely but to some extent, I realized I don't value some of my old memories anymore.

It does not mean I do not appreciate what I've been through. The past creates what you've become now.

But when my good old friend trying to pull the memories onto the surface, I said stop.

"I think you ought to know some things are no longer the same," I mumbled.

Surprised, she was. Of course. "What do you mean?"

"Don't bring back the memories."

It sounds like a warning. Like a sharp stab in the chest. But it's more like a request to my intention. I am not certain at first, whether I should really ask her to stop. For no particular reason. Am I being sensitive? I don't think so.

I knew she was slightly taken aback when I said that. I had no intention to hurt her. It was simply a request. So I explained. All the memories she wanted to raise about, the only part I want to keep is anything about her. Nothing else. She could not accept it. She was utterly confused.

"They are my past. I'm sorry but I don't feel like I want to know them anymore."

"Bad memories?" she questioned.

"No, they're not."

"You're being weird." I heard a sigh.

I apologized. Then I had to change the topic. It did not feel right anymore. To be talking about the "good ol' days". I really wished I could find the reason of this irrational emotion. The memories are still with me. But I'd rather push them deeper, like sinking them hundred feet underwater and when I want to find them, I couldn't because the sea is too wide and blue but still I know, they are somewhere down there being kept safely and peacefully, wishing that nothing would come to bother.

Oh God.