The slow growing pain.

Sorry for the lack of updates. Lately I don't really know what to blog anymore.

Not just one or two of my friends started to think that something is going on with me cause it seems that I go back to my hometown quite frequently nowadays. I do have a few personal reasons why I go back to Ipoh but one of the reasons I can't really share with you guys and I'm truly sorry. Not yet.

I know what you're thinking. And no, it's not what you think it is.

I'm not tying the knot. I'm not getting engaged. I'm not planning towards those kinds of things. Pfftt~~

But just let me share one of the reasons why I love spending my weekends at my hometown rather than my own place.

My hometown calms me down. I can forget about work and problems when I'm home. Even it's just temporary but it helps. Like, a lot. I've been under a lot of pressure lately with my work and personal issues, sometimes I feel like my chest is exploding. Thus I do not like spending my weekend here. I want to escape, I need to breath. Leaving Seri Kembangan is like the best treatment I could find. And I'm even thinking of leaving it forever and going back to where I belong.

And I know my parents are lonely. I don't have many siblings and we are all grown ups. Sometimes it breaks my heart thinking that I have not yet given them grandchildren for them to cheer up and play with. It breaks my heart whenever I see how bad they want one and yet I'm not even getting close to it. In fact, I can't even see the path that leads to a happy ending.

I feel like I'm in the wrong place. I'm going nowhere and I'm wasting my time. There's nothing left for me here and it's about time for me to leave. But how sure I am with what I feel?

Escaping from our problems does not solve the problems. But what if escaping is the only solution?

Marriage is like a never ending story for me. I had never been this straight forward, but frankly speaking I am worried with my ownself not to be able to love someone. I have tried so much and I couldn't even say yes and it's just so pathetic. I had done my best to give myself a chance but it's really really hard. My heart is like an icy cold river. I truly have no idea how long it's going to be like this.. and I already forget how it feels to love and be loved.

Oh perhaps I haven't found my Mr Right? I am fucking tired with this retarded excuse. So no, don't tell me that.