My disorders.

I truly believe I have nothing attractive on my physical appearance. I sometimes wondered how it feels to be one of those pretty girls with long skinny legs, flat tummy and sparkling eyes who skips those guys' heartbeats whenever she looks at them. I am aware friends told me the opposite, and tried to make me realize that I am making false assumptions, but it never worked. I just appreciate how sweet and humble my friends are, but my beliefs remain the same. I over think too much, most of the time. I like to imagine worst-case scenarios and there are too many what-ifs drowning in my mind until sometimes I feel dizzy and weak. When I'm in the crowd, I always look at other people and question "Why am I even here?", "Why they always seem to be luckier than me in every perspective that I could think of?", and "I have the biggest butt in this place." I lay on bed in the dark thinking every possible thing going on in my life. I can never stop thinking why things happening to me. Finding all the obvious and hidden reasons. Seeking for God's signs that I may overlook. Or those signs that I misinterpret. Whether when I'm happy over something, is it because I deserve the happiness or I'm actually in denial? I always feel I do not deserve any kind of happiness in this world. I feel like happiness for me is always temporary. Never real. Sometimes I feel like people cheat on me, hide the truths because they want me to think that I am happy or lucky when actually they are laughing at my stupidity behind my back. Turning me into some kind of a joke. I am scared to fall in love because I have this belief that guys are not being honest when they say they like me. There is not even one reason I can think of why they would. I know I am always invisible. They love my jokes. And that's it. Nothing more. I love to laugh and smile but no one knows what is inside my heart and the fact that I am scared. I have to fight with my own self every single day. My mind has to argue what my heart tries to believe especially when it involves positive things. Things that I want that my heart says it's becoming real. My mind always says that I've been fooled by my own desire. I walk around and look at other people who are looking at me and I will think, they are judging, it's okay. There's a lot in me that people can judge. My ugliness, how much fat I could carry and still be able to stand, my unattractive eyes, my hideous smile, the clothes I'm wearing, the way I walk. Every, thing. I am struggling with my inner self and no one knows cause I always look fine. I am scared to be happy and in the end I over think. I am suspicious over people, even at the slightest clue, I can create numerous questions flooding in my mind till I feel like it is so hard to breath. Whenever I lay down on my bed, I feel cold and empty. Lonely, and then my mind starts to do its job again : over-thinking. I plan my life. But my plans are based on one BIG if : "If I have to forever be alone, these are the things I would do before I die". I am scared to think I will be happy one day. It is like a fairy tale, too unrealistic. And I don't believe I have a fairy tale ending. I hate when I am right about every thing because it is never a good thing for me. I feel pain here and there every second of my life. I'm used to be in pain. It stays with me. Forever. I am trapped within myself and I never feel like escaping. I love being alone in my room. Doing whatever I want with no eyes watching. No judging, no whining, no cursing. I am in my own little world. No one is invited because no one wants to be in this kind of sad place. Loneliness is somehow my loyal friend. It never leaves. I somehow know I cannot be saved. I am here because I have this soul, unwillingly breathing. Will I ever have a chance to come back to surface? Will I leave my own little sad world and appreciate all the beautiful things? Will I have one happiness that I can hold on to till my last breath? The answer is so far, no. I am wounded and broken. It's never going to end. This is solely the part of me that you do not want to see. Where no one could see before I wrote this. No one could feel. No one.