Top Jokes!
Top joke in UK
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.
Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She
says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off go ahead, I'll
hold your monkey for you.
Top joke in USA
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf
course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a
long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in
mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in
prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing
I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.
The man then replies: "Yeah, wel we were married for 35 years."
Top joke in Canada
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered
that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the
problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a
pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost
any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below
freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Top joke in Australia
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all
strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke
up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all
wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were
bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face!
What's WRONG with me, Doctor?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says:
"Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your
eyesight...."
Top Joke in England
Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other
one.
He screams, "I slept with your mother!"
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel
will do.
The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"
The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."
Top Joke in Wales
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a
gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the
urtle
if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face
and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."
Top Joke in Scotland
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not
screaming in terror like his passengers.
Psst:- I'm sure his grandfather was a careless bus driver
Top Joke in Northern Ireland
A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'.
'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.
The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.
'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be
worse?'
The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.
THE WINNING JOKE
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them
falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are
rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and
calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is
dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can
help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back
on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
SECOND PLACE
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good
dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to
sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful
friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. "And
what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that
Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is
approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that
we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that
God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of
the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone
has stolen our tent!"
No comments:
Post a Comment