Wishing for the impossibles.

Life is not just about us. Life is not just about building our future. It’s not just about doing what we love and seeking what we want.

It’s more than that.

We are alive because of God’s will. We wouldn’t be here if He says we don’t deserve it. Life is temporary. We’re on loan. But we always feel life is in our hands. Sometimes we forget we’re going to have to return it back..

In fact, we are here on a mission.

It’s been 26 years I lived as me. I left my past, I live in present and I look forward for my future. I am not certain how my life will be like in perhaps 10 years ahead? Even 10 months ahead? Or 10 weeks? Or even 10 days..

I am being me. A human. Incomplete. Imperfect. Flaws here and there.

We always want to be a better person. At least that’s what I am always hoping for, eventhough sometimes I feel like I’m getting worse day by day especially when I hurt people I care for, or when I failed to do something I wanted to do, or when I did something I was not supposed to do, or when I neglected things I should have been doing. At the end of it, I made the same wish all over again – to be a better person.

I can’t measure my own success or how far I have achieved my dreams. It’s too subjective. I can only think, is this where I want to be? Is this how I should do it? Is it enough? Does this satisfy me? Is this what I truly deserve? Am I happy?

I know I can’t get everything I want. Sometimes I wished too hard for the impossibles. They said nothing is impossible. Are you sure? Do you know every thing in this world?

What if I ask you to take out your heart and stay living as per normal?

What if I ask you to sweep the whole KLCC floors in one single day?

What if I ask you to go to Mars and come back within one hour?

What if I ask you to stop loving?

Is it possible?

Yes.

Upon God’s will, that is.

If really nothing is impossible, then why do we even need the bloody word?

I have doubts in my life. Everyday. All the time. I can’t stop thinking how I should live my own life or whether I am heading to the right path or whether I am making a right decision. I can’t stop wondering when I will have those things I’ve been longing for and what are the reasons that stopping me from getting what I wish for but deep down inside I know, I can’t have it all and God always Knows better than any living creature that He created. Including me.

So, I just keep on praying. I trust Him. And I need His trust too.

I am always thankful for what I have and what I don’t. At least I know I have a good life.. perhaps better than lots of people in this world. I am lucky to be me. I have a good family, a job, a happy life, a complete human body eventhough I sometimes see other people are luckier than me. I did wish I could have what they have.. I did wish I could feel their reasons to be happy such a way yet I know they also don’t always get what they want.. They also lack here and there.. But they still live their own lives, so why shouldn’t I?

I do have reasons to feel sad but they don’t stop me from being happy.

I do have weaknesses that make me feel down but they don’t stop me from stepping further.

I do feel lonely and low yet I still have my enjoyable moments and great memories to keep.

Sometimes there are tough moments that made me wanting to hate myself so much but really if we hate ourselves, how are we going to let other people appreciate us? Who else is going to open our heart if we are the ones who shutting it down?

This writing is solely as a self reminder to myself as to refrain myself from thinking things that will only let me down.. Things that will only eat me up from inside.

I hope I will stay strong and try to hope less for things that are out of my reach. For things that I don’t deserve.

I’ll be celebrating my 26th birthday really soon but it is still the same day as I have lived for the past 9492 days but I do hope some things will be different this year. Some already are, making 2010 is a different year for me just like I hoped.

Thank you, God.. for giving me everything that You have given me.





Credit for image : Syva@Deviantart